I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
