"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
