Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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