you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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