hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
