these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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