I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
