woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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