seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize