I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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