I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
