Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
