I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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