3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.