I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood