sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
