I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
