When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
