We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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