trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
