Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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