I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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