i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
