saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think I died a long time ago.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
