I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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