I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
