I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
