They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
