He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
