Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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