I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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