I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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