If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
It's Friday. Sex?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
