My friends, they love my intelligence
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
