I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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