i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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