mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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