East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He passed out mid-signature
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My dick has a subreddit
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
