So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
