apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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