Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
