I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
