Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Randomize
