Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
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I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
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I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
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