the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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