I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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