I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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