Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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