I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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