This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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