sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
