im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
