just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
