your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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