Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Is Oprah even human
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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