guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My vagina is very pro this idea
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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