My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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